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Why I Hate “Good Girl” Problems
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Corn, guacamole, and chicks with fake lashes.
Women who go out and purchase fake a*ses.
Turbocharged Hyundais and big pinky rings.
These are a few of my most hated things.
But NONE draws my ire more than “good girl” issues. Ooooooooooooooh child, things are NOT going to get a little easier. You ARE the father.
In case I’m not making myself clear, I think that “good girl” issues are bullsh*t. Now it’s not to say that they aren’t rooted in something. Good girls are, at their core, really just women who don’t want to come off as heathenistic hedonists. And there’s really nothing wrong with that. Everybody has the right to do what they need to do to make it in this cold, cold world. Word to Carl Thomas. What pisses me off about “good girls” is that they run amok amongst the rest of us secure individuals, polluting the dating world with odd rules and timetables intended to fool somebody into thinking that they don’t have urges or don’t like licking schlongs.
Especially since most own at least one set of kneepads that they have monogrammed for that special occasion. Put more simply, “good girls” are the biggest cockteases known to man. You remember that chick Helen…from Troy? Cocktease. Do you know why her face launched a thousand ships? Because Menelaus was mad that she was playing all coy with him but was giving it up on the side to Paris even though she didn’t love him. Or something like that. My Greek mythology is a little rusty, unlike your trombone if you’re dealing with a “good girl”. Here are some reasons why “good girl” issues infuriate me so.
1. The rules have absolutely no rhyme or reason, they don’t rhyme slow or quick
Like, you remember how you weren’t supposed to feed the Gremlins after midnight? That sh*t made total sense. Especially once you saw what happened when Gizmo’s kids got some afterhour snackage. On the flipside, do not sleep with a guy for 90 days has absolutely no f*cking purpose other than to allow a woman to say, I didn’t sleep with him for 3 months so I’m not a ho. Newsflash, when you sleep with a man doesn’t make you a ho – acting like a ho makes you a ho, whether it’s 1 hour or 6 months.
2. It’s usually disingenuous
So, peep game. I know a lot of so-called “good girls”. The problem with this is that they’re all as sexually charged and hyperintimate as the guys they’re keeping on the bench. Which wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t cockteases. You can’t be out here making innuendo-a** comments and jokingly referencing what you’ll do to somebody if you have precluded yourself from actually doing anything because of your inane arse rules. (See #1)
3. It’s all a front and its fooling nobody
It’s like there’s a club of chicks who are trying to one up each other on who’s the most goodest when the truth is, the rest of us don’t give a sh*t about your self-perception considering how its blatantly obvious that it’s all a front. If you keep having to tell me that you’re a “good girl” chances are that you aren’t. Trust me, I’m a doctor I know, I’ve been telling folks that I’m sexxy for at least 10 years now and I’m a 3.
4. Everything isn’t that damn confusing
The calling card for “good girls” is that they don’t want to move to fast as to not “confuse things”. While I admit that sex can indeed introduce some form of confusion to a situation, I’m more inclined to believe that these “good girls” use that as their de facto scapegoat to maintaining their cocktease status.
5. If you have to suppress who you are to make yourself look better….
…chances are you just a ho in sheeps clothing. Like I said, sleeping with people doesn’t make you a ho. A woman can sleep with 100 men and not be considered a ho. Then you can have a chick whose boned 5 guys who’s the biggest ho everybody knows. It’s not just a numbers game. It’s an actions game. If you let me put it on your forehead because I asked…well you might be a ho. If you at least ask me to wipe off your forehead after I’m done, well then maybe you’re a classy lady!
Rimshot.
Uuuuuuuugh, that’s nasty.
In conclusion, “good girl” issues are nothing more than a BS way to pretend to be something other than what you may be. It’s a lie. It’s a wonderbra.If you can’t be yourself for fear of looking like a tramp, then you are clearly doing something wrong in life.
Oh, and I feel sorry for your mudda.
It was written.
Falks, what are other surefire signs of a “good girl”? And am I the only person who hates the entire “good girl” phenomenon? And how can we help those afflicted with this affliction?
Shower the people with love.